Divorcing A Narcissist

Although the term ‘narcissist’ is used regularly to describe celebrities and influencers, a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is on a completely different level to those who enjoy social media and occasionally come across as a bit full of themselves. People with NPD are not only at much higher risk of experiencing a relationship breakdown (including divorce), but studies have also found narcissism to be a significant predictor of violence, including domestic abuse. Furthermore, a person in a relationship with someone with NPD can experience narcissistic abuse which can lead to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and other mental health problems such as anxiety and depression.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

NPD is a recognised mental illness. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), a guidebook used by mental health professionals, particularly in the United States, possessing five or more of the below traits are indicative of someone having NPD:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associate with special people or institutions
• A need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
• Exploitation of others
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
• Arrogant, haughty behaviour, or attitudes

Like all mental health issues, narcissism is scalable. For example, Steve Jobs, Tiger Woods, and even Bill Gates have been accused of being narcissists; however, although this may make them unpleasant to live with, it does not mean they have full-blown NPD. Malignant narcissism is another often-used term, which refers to someone with NPD and Anti-Social Personality Disorder (formally known as psychopathy).  Malignant narcissism and narcissism are not referred to in the DSM; therefore, they are not recognised as mental illnesses, unlike NPD which is.

How do those with NPD present in a relationship?

To maintain their grandiose sense of self and gather the admiration they crave, people with NPD are at first charming and often highly romantic. However, as the relationship develops, the negative traits associated with narcissism begin to unfold. In Narcissism and Romantic Relationships: The Differential Impact of Narcissistic Admiration and Rivalry, the authors reveal that:

“to defend their own superior status, people high on narcissism tend to derogate others who threaten

their grandiose self-views, resulting in socially insensitive, selfish, hostile, and aggressive behaviours. For example, individuals with high scores on narcissism have been found to blame their own failures on others, to react hypersensitively when criticized, and to exploit their social partners”

People whose partner’s have NPD go through a regular rollercoaster of being idealised and then devalued. The idealisation stage consists of romance, kindness, and ‘love-bombing’. However, should their partner criticise them or fail to provide adequate praise, they will be quickly devalued and subjected to criticism, abuse, and perhaps infidelity (people with NPD usually have multiple sources of ‘admiration’ on the go at once). The victim is left wondering what they have done wrong and desperately tries to please the narcissist so they can experience the ‘love-bombing’ phase again. And so, the pattern repeats itself until the victim gathers up the shreds of their self-esteem and leaves the relationship.

Divorcing a narcissist

When a victim leaves someone with NPD, it triggers off a powerful sense of abandonment which can lead to what is known as a ‘narcissistic injury’. A narcissistic injury can result in the person with NPD acting vindictively or even violently. Victims who become fearful for the safety of themselves and their children, can apply to the Court for a Non-Molestation Order and/or an Occupation Order.

Although working out the financial settlement and arrangements for children via round-table negotiation and mediation is encouraged under the family law system in England and Wales, such methods are unlikely to be suitable where one party to the divorce has NPD.

Because narcissists lack empathy and have no problem with telling untruths, it is best to apply to the Court to make the necessary decisions. It is also important to be aware that a person with NPD may attempt to issue legal proceedings over and over again in order to maintain some form of control over their former spouse/partner.

Summing up

People with NPD are almost impossible to treat as a narcissist will never admit they are one and should someone try to accuse them of narcissism, they are likely to fly into a rage. It has been widely stated that it takes on average, seven attempts before a victim can leave someone with NPD. Therefore, those courageous enough to break free will benefit from instructing a Family Law Solicitor who understands NPD and can protect the best interests of the victim and their children throughout the divorce process and beyond.

For a free consultation regarding getting a divorce, please call us on 0208 300 6666.

   [CM1]Narcissism and Romantic Relationships (researchgate.net)

   [CM1]161916286.pdf (core.ac.uk)